For a long time, I didn't realise I was coming to God on my terms.
Maybe you've done this too.
I went to Him when I needed something.
When I was overwhelmed.
When I wanted relief.
When I needed things to change.
And when they didn't?
I didn't always say it out loud, but I would quietly question His love.
Was He listening?
Was He pleased with me?
Had I done something wrong?
I had a constant negative conversation going on in my head. A doubting of His love.
If things worked out, I felt reassured.
If they didn't, I felt unsettled.
I didn't truly understand the price He paid for me on the cross and that He had dealt with all my shame and past. Jesus said "It is finished." Nothing that I had done in the past is remembered any more after I repent and give it to Jesus. It's all signed over to Him. My sin no longer belongs to me. It's His and He has dealt with it. He gives me new life in exchange.
I came to Him in crisis.
I came to Him when I was empty.
I came when I needed rescue.
It took time — and a lot of repetition — for me to realise that my soul didn't just need emergency relief.
My soul needed nourishment.
Meeting with Father first began to change everything. It's a lifelong transformation to become like Christ.
I started to realise He didn't need performance from me.
He wasn't waiting for me to get it right.
He wasn't measuring my effort.
He simply wanted me to be with Him.
My heart started transforming and my mind renewing as I learned Scripture and started to apply it.
I was learning how to be with Him — and slowly, learning how to be more like Jesus.
"Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."
Matthew 11:28–30 (NKJV)
I had read those verses before.
But learning to apply His Word in my daily life — rather than just reading it and forgetting it — was slowly starting to make sense.
It wasn't instant.
It wasn't dramatic.
It was small, daily choices.
Choosing to sit with Him before the day began.
Choosing to pause instead of react.
Choosing to trust His heart when outcomes didn't go my way.
I began to realise that meeting with Father first wasn't about checking a spiritual box.
It was about letting His Word shape the way I moved through my day.
Not just reading about rest — but living from it.
Not just admiring His gentleness — but learning it.
And over time, something shifted.
I wasn't coming to Him only when I was overwhelmed.
I was coming to Him because He desires my heart first.
Not my performance.
Not my striving.
Not my crisis prayers.
My heart.
And learning that — slowly — softened my heart.
I was beginning to find my identity in Him, not in anyone or anything else.
I could stop my rollercoaster cycle of being disappointed in myself.
I began to trust Him with my heart.
— Tina
